Unwrapping Presence: The Journey Towards Living Fully Present

My Lesson In Living Fully Present

Every year, I remember when Christmas taught me the high cost of not living fully present.

“It’s that time of year when the world falls in love
Ev’ry song you hear seems to say
“Merry Christmas, may your New Year dreams come true”

-The Christmas Waltz, Karen Carpenter

The Echoes of Christmas Past

Such a cheery, happy Christmas tune. Yet every time I hear it, what plays in my mind is something very different and it’s not happy or cheery.

It goes something like this.

It’s that time of year when a memory returns and plagues
Ev’ry song you hear seems to say
Remember when you lost your temper Christmas Day
And now this memory’s become a constant refrain
Reminding you of that day,
you taught your kids not to celebrate,
and just generally blew it in such a big way.

The Morning That Changed Everything

It’s such a painful memory.

One of those, please, oh please, let me have those 10 minutes back so I can make a different choice memories.

I think it may actually have scarred me more than my kids.

The Clash of Expectations and Reality in Motherhood

For weeks, my oldest, just at the very end of his eleventh year, had been excitedly talking about sleeping under the tree on Christmas Eve.

He’d talk of waking up at six Christmas morning and getting everyone up so we could have Christmas. His younger siblings would excitedly exclaim over this idea and agree with him.

A Mother’s Dilemma: Sleep vs. Celebration

I did not.

Every time he brought it up, I would think — they’ll be too tired after being up late.

They won’t wake up, I’m sure. Please don’t wake up! I thought about telling him that if they woke up; I wanted them to open one particular gift quietly and let me sleep until seven.

Decision Points: The Cost of Mothering Choices

I was in those mothering years where you never get enough sleep.

But, here I was, weeks before Christmas morning, already deciding I would need more sleep that day.

It was already an entrenched mindset, and I can see clearly now that I had already set this disaster in motion with my thought patterns.

Reflecting on the Consequences of My Actions

Although I was determined to get an extra hour of sleep Christmas morning, I also didn’t want to squash my son’s excitement.

By this time, he had both his siblings as excited about sleeping under the tree and getting up at 6am, as he was. I didn’t want to kill their joy, so I couldn’t tell them I would love to sleep in a bit that morning.

I decided to bank on the fact that the long, dark Alaskan mornings, and their own lack of sleep, would keep them sleeping till seven.

I, of all the people on the planet, should have known the possibility of that was very remote. I should have made a firm decision regarding my son’s plan.

But I didn’t.

Because I didn’t want to hurt them.

The Irony of Motherhood Choices

Oh, how ironic!

I didn’t want to hurt them, so I didn’t communicate what I was thinking or wanted.

I wanted to sleep. I needed sleep. It was Christmas!

A present of an extra hour of sleep was all I really thought I wanted. Please!

A Christmas Morning to Remember: Not as Planned

Christmas morning is seared into my brain. And not in a good way.

There are many, many things I don’t remember about raising my children.

They tell me things and I just look at them… I was there?

I said that?

I DID that?

We went there?

We did that?

That happened?

There are three of you?

No, just kidding on that last one!

The Unintended Consequences of a Mother’s Wish for Rest

However, I remember that morning with crystal clarity.

I remember the stairs creaking as I climbed them.

The image of my children gleefully dancing in the living room in their underwear, consumed by the joy and anticipation of Christmas, is forever etched in my mind.

I remember the glow of the beautiful tree lights and I remember how they turned to greet me, Christmas morning grins spreading ear to ear.

And I remember…

The Moment That Changed Everything

I opened my mouth… but instead of Merry Christmas, my darlings…

Out came a very loud, grumpy…

“Laydown and be quiet this instant! It is way too early to be up yet! What do you think you’re doing? I don’t want to hear another sound out of you until seven o’clock! ”

My, “what do you think you’re doing” is particularly painful.

Of course, I knew what they were doing.

It had been excitedly, happily explained to me multitudes of times…

After my eruption, I turned and plunged back down the stairs.

A Christmas Morning Regret: Celebration Overshadowed

By the time I hit my bedroom door, I 100% knew I’d just really messed up.

To add insult to injury, any mother reading this already knows I didn’t get one more second of sleep.

Of course, I didn’t.

Our Christmas started at seven and I don’t remember any of it.

The Power of Unconditional Love and Forgiveness

I’ve asked my kids, many times, to forgive me for that morning.

Throughout my mothering journey, my kids have modeled unconditional love, acceptance, and forgiveness to me better than anyone or anything else in my life.

Children have an amazing capacity to forgive.

And I have learned so much about forgiveness and acceptance through mine.

Mindful Mothering: Forgiving Myself as a Mom

If I could forgive myself as easily as they seem to forgive me…

The salt to this wound has been so much of my oldest son’s childhood wonder fell away during that next year.

A young man replaced that excited, giddy boy in the following twelve months.

That excited, happy little boy was gone forever, and that was the part I couldn’t forgive myself for.

I know this transition happens to every child, but his just happened to take place right after I had so effectively squashed his childlike excitement in the most profound way.

Reflecting on Mindful Choices During Crucial Moments

If I had just stayed mindful of the fact that twelve months is enough time to change a child into a young person.

And that the child who was dancing around my living room, in his underwear, at 6 am on Christmas morning, would no longer be just one Christmas later.

The Last Childhood Christmas: Embracing Mindful Mothering

I would have, without resentment or regret, gladly given up that one hour of extra sleep because that one hour didn’t matter AT ALL.

Instead, I missed out on the last anticipation filled Christmas of my little boy’s childhood.

Never again did he excitedly plan, with bated breath and much anticipation, his Christmas Eve and Christmas morning agendas.

The Cost of Lost Moments in Motherhood

Never again did he excitedly wake his siblings, impatient for the festivities to begin.

Never again would he invite me into his Christmas anticipation.

I felt like I murdered that excited, happy little boy… all because I’d convinced myself I needed one extra hour of sleep… that I didn’t get, anyway.

All because, at that point in my life, I was more focused on what I didn’t have than on what I did.

Choosing Mindful Mothering and the Path Ahead

Some moments in parenting are so painful.

Some of life’s lessons cut deep.

It has been almost a decade and every year, usually around this time, this memory aggravates this pain again.

There are opportunities that only come once. There are stages in life that may seem to last forever, but when they are gone, they are truly gone.

Little humans, who feel like they’ll be little forever, actually do grow up and become adults who leave your nest.

Embracing the Impermanence of Childhood: Lessons in Mindful Mothering

Time is such a fleeting thing.

Here today, gone tomorrow.

It can’t be bottled and saved for later.

Some days are more important than others.

Some experiences are worth making a big deal about, worth celebrating, worth losing sleep over.

And children’s excitement and anticipation is definitely something to celebrate wholeheartedly.

Life is worth being fully present for.

Living Fully Present: Embracing Every Moment

I’ve realized that unless I deliberately choose to live in the present, to prioritize gratitude for what I have rather than focusing on what I don’t, and to make conscious decisions, I miss out on so much in life.

For many years, I thought life was something that happened.

I didn’t understand that life is something I create. Every choice I make, consciously or unconsciously, creates another part of my life.

Choosing to Create Life, Not Just Experience It

What are you creating each day in how you show up to your world?

The things we focus on either help or hinder us in this creation process.

I created the pain and grief told in this story. I created it by what I chose to focus on.

Without knowing it, this particular Christmas turned out to be a milestone one, but because I wasn’t living fully present and was choosing to focus on things I didn’t have rather than the things I did; I missed out on the excitement and joyful expectation and celebration that was available to me.

And I have grieved it… long enough.

I choose to put this behind me so I can live fully present today.

Fully engaged in creating the life I consciously choose.

Do you have a mothering misstep that profoundly affected you and resulted in a big learning moment?

I’d love to hear your story and what you learned. You can leave it in the comments or email me at Sarah@herheartathome.com.

I look forward to hearing from you.

This post’s family favorite recipe is one of our absolute must have Christmas goodies. It’s not Christmas at our house until these have been made. My online search for our exact recipe didn’t produce it. But a very similar recipe can be found here.

Until next time,

Sarah

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