In my last post, “Discovering the Path to Authentic Self-Love,” I talked about the difference between self-care and self-love, and how true self-love comes not from what we do for ourselves but from how well we know ourselves. That knowing is what allows us to lead ourselves well. In this post, I want to introduce you to Tara. A wife and mother who had a life full of good things, yet she felt ‘off’. She loved her husband. She treasured her children. But there was a steady undercurrent of weariness, frustration, and a feeling of emptiness she couldn’t explain.
What Tara was experiencing is a form of burnout. Not the kind that comes from doing too much, but the kind that comes from living out of alignment with what matters most. That quiet exhaustion came from an internal conflict between two values she couldn’t name but deeply felt. I know that kind of conflict well. I wasn’t raised in a setting where individuality was encouraged. I didn’t grow up knowing myself, let alone understanding what I valued. I stepped into womanhood unable to even name my favorite food. So, trying to identify my core values? That wasn’t even on my radar. For years, I carried a similar confusion—an inner tug I couldn’t explain and definitely couldn’t resolve. Maybe you’ve felt it too.
Understanding the Importance of Core Values
Core values are the deep-down things that make us who we are. They’re not goals or wishes or personality quirks. They’re the foundational beliefs that shape how we move through life—what we choose, what we say yes or no to, what lights us up, what wears us out. We all have them. But not all of us know what they are. And when we live in a way that conflicts with them—especially for long stretches of time—we start to feel off. Resentful. Tired in a way that rest doesn’t fix.
Tara and her husband, Jeff, had been married for fourteen years. In the early days, they both had good jobs and a shared dream to save for a house and soak up the adventure of life while it was just the two of them. Weekend road trips. Backpacking. Local food spots. Deep-winter vacations. Tara loved their personal freedom and their togetherness.
Eventually, they found a house they loved and decided to settle down. It was more than they planned to spend, but it felt like the right place to build the life they had been dreaming of. Not long after moving in, Tara’s hours at work were cut unexpectedly. She lost income, and something more. She lost the daily interaction and purpose her work gave her.
Then came her biggest adjustment. The happy news she was expecting their first baby. In a matter of months, everything changed. Their budget got tighter. Their travel stopped. The vacations disappeared. And slowly, the house she had once loved started to feel more like a gilded cage than her cozy home. She missed their road trips. Their spontaneous adventures and the aliveness she used to feel. She didn’t understand why she felt unhappy and told herself to be grateful. After all, they had so much to be grateful for. A beautiful home. A baby on the way. The life she had once only dreamed of. But instead of contentment, joy, and peace, she felt empty. Stuck. Guilty. Confused. And so worn out.
A Burnout That’s Hard to Name
What Tara didn’t realize was that she was caught in a tug-of-war between two deeply held values:
- Personal Freedom– the ability to move, explore and feel alive.
- Family-the relationships she cherished most in the world.
Both of her values were good. But they were pulling her in opposite directions, and Tara felt broken. She didn’t have words for what she was feeling. She blamed herself for not being able to ‘get it together’. Because she didn’t understand what she was struggling with, she couldn’t give herself what she needed or even ask for what she needed. The truth? She wasn’t broken. She was just living in a conflict of values.
Tara’s joy returned with the birth of her daughter. Her unexplainable feelings faded for a while. But as the years passed and more children came, Jeff’s job began requiring frequent travel. Tara found herself at home with young children, carrying the weight of it all. The joy of motherhood was still there, but so was that quiet desperation and weariness she couldn’t name or seem to shake.
She missed the version of herself who felt fun and light. The woman who came alive on weekend getaways. She caught glimpses of that version now and then, but mostly, she just felt tired and disconnected. And she began to wonder, What is wrong with me?
There wasn’t something wrong with Tara. She wasn’t living ungratefully or failing at motherhood. She just lacked an understanding of what really mattered most to her. And without that clarity, she couldn’t make sense of her unhappiness, let alone do anything about it. She kept trying to push through, but what she really needed wasn’t more gratitude or grit. It was insight.
How Life Changes When You Know and Live Your Core Values
When we understand what truly matters to us, what our core values actually are, we stop carrying that nebulous weariness that sleep doesn’t fix. We stop moving through life disconnected from ourselves, as if we’re watching it all from a distance. And that ache of discontentment that shows up in the middle of a good life fades away. Clarity doesn’t fix everything, but it quiets our internal storm, which helps us make decisions that reflect who we really are. And that begins to shift everything.
Here’s what core values offer us:
Clarity in decision-making:
When we understand what matters most to us, we can stop second-guessing our decisions. We can say yes with certainty and no without guilt, because we know what we need in order to live a life aligned with what is most important for us.
A stronger sense of identity and fulfillment:
Instead of defining ourselves by what we do for others, or what others think of us, we begin to recognize who we are at our core. And that brings us a sense of security and contentment.
A renewed sense of purpose:
When we know what we value, we can make choices that allow us to live with intention based on those values. When we live an intentional, aligned life, we are living a more purposeful one. We can show up for ourselves, our family, and our communities in the way we were meant to from the beginning.
Less stress and more peace:
When our values lead the way, we don’t waste as much energy trying to be all things to all people. The pressure eases, and peace can blossom.
More grounded, intentional parenting:
When we know what we value, we can show up for our children in ways that pass our values on, not through pressure, but by example. We have the ability to sift through the weeds and figure out where our energies need to focus as we seek to be our best selves for them.
Stronger, more compassionate marriages:
Understanding our own values helps us communicate more honestly, listen more openly, and support our spouse in deeper ways.
Tara’s peace didn’t come from giving up her values. It came from identifying what they were and learning to honor them in her life. Once she realized how deeply she needed moments of personal freedom, she could begin to make space for that again. Not in the same ways as before, but in ways that fit her life now. A short drive. An hour alone. A walk in the quiet. Definitely not the same as her early married years, but they were enough. Enough to help her feel like herself again.
Feel Like Yourself Again Through Values Clarity
If you’ve been feeling off, disconnected, stretched thin, or like something inside you is slowly wearing down, this might be why. It could be that your values are in conflict. And it could be that naming them is where peace begins. But awareness isn’t the finish line. It’s the starting place. You don’t have to figure it all out today. You don’t need to overhaul your life. But beginning to notice what really matters to you is how you start finding your way back to yourself.
In my next post, I’ll share simple ways to begin uncovering your core values and offer some practical guidance for what to do when those values clash. So you can move forward with more clarity, less confusion, and real tools that actually help.
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