In my last post, The Hidden Conflict Behind Mom Burnout, I shared Tara’s story. She was a wife and mother living her dream, yet feeling a gnawing emptiness. That feeling is often rooted in something we rarely talk about: not knowing what we truly value. As wives and mothers, many of us have spent years pouring our energy into caring for others. We’ve learned how to anticipate needs, solve problems, and nurture relationships. And we often do all of that while experiencing internal distress. Longings we don’t understand. Discontent that doesn’t make sense. Or through a numbing fog that simmers just beneath the surface.
Many years ago, I sat in a circle with twelve other women at the start of a weekend retreat. We were each asked to share something about who we were. As the women went around the circle, confidently introducing themselves, a heavy stone settled in my stomach. My turn was coming, and I didn’t know what to say. I knew my name. I knew I was married with three kids. But beyond that? I had nothing. This post is for the woman who understands that feeling. You love your family. You’re thankful for your life. But deep down, something feels off, and you can’t quite name it. There’s a sense of disconnection from yourself that leaves you asking, “What is wrong with me? Why do I feel this way?” Core values work is often the answer. Are you ready to discover, or rediscover, yours? Not the ones expected of you. Not the ones passed down without question. But the ones that rise up from within when you finally have space to listen.
Why Discovering Your Core Values Matters
Our core values shape everything: how we make decisions, what we prioritize, how we respond to conflict, and even how we feel about ourselves. When we don’t know what we inherently value, life can feel stressful and chaotic or empty and directionless. We may feel numb, overwhelmed, anxious, resentful, or unsure of why something bothers us so deeply.
This lack of clarity can lead to a sense of being unmoored, where actions and choices feel disconnected from ourselves. Without a clear understanding of our values, it’s challenging to set boundaries, make decisions, or feel confident in our choices, often resulting in a persistent feeling of dissatisfaction or confusion.
Aligning Your Life With Core Values
When we live aligned with our values, we begin to feel more grounded and less reactive. Life may not get easier, but we’re no longer tossed around by it. Instead of defaulting to what others expect or what feels urgent, we’re able to make decisions that reflect what’s most important. Once we know what truly matters to us, we can show up for ourselves, our children, and our spouse in the ways we always wanted to but maybe weren’t capable of before.
When you’re clear on your core values, you stop feeling pulled in every direction. You begin to trust yourself again. You can say yes without resentment and no without guilt, because your choices come from a place of personal clarity. And that kind of alignment brings steadiness, even in the middle of chaos.
How Upbringing Shapes Core Values
Because our core values often operate unconsciously, identifying them requires a journey of self-discovery. This takes introspection, reflection, and self-honesty. It’s also important to understand, we don’t actually choose our core values, certainly not in the beginning anyway. They begin forming quietly, behind the scenes, in our earliest years. Our personality, support systems, resilience, and life experiences all influence what we end up valuing.
For those of you who were raised in strict or highly religious environments, individuality probably wasn’t encouraged. That was my experience too. I spent most of my early life in a very legalistic, communal setting where conformity was considered a spiritual virtue—a dying to self in the pursuit of holiness.
Individuality was discouraged, unless it happened to sync with the needs of the collective. Your worth came not from who you were as a person, but from how well you conformed to, and how much you performed for, the community. When I entered adulthood, I didn’t realize how many of my decisions were still being driven by values I’d absorbed from others. Values I’d never paused to question.
It wasn’t until later in life, after raising children and walking through personal upheaval, that I realized I had no idea what my core values actually were. The unraveling has been, and still is, painful. And for me, it’s been a long process. One I’m still going through today. But the journey is worth it.
Your story may look different than mine, but the influence of upbringing is universal. The values we absorb early, whether taught directly or modeled indirectly, become the default drivers of our choices unless we stop and question them.
How to Discover Your Core Values
Discovering your core values takes time, curiosity, and quiet. It also takes courage, especially if you’ve spent years shaping yourself around others’ needs. If you’re ready to begin, here are seven practical steps. You don’t have to do them all at once, just pick the one that feels most doable and begin there.
1. Use a Core Values List to Get Started
Sometimes it’s hard to name what matters until we see it written out. Reviewing a list of common values can help you recognize what resonates. Start by circling the ones that stand out. Then narrow those down to ten, and eventually to the five that feel most important to you.
2. Discover Core Values by Reflecting on Past Experiences
Think about moments in your life when you felt most proud, fulfilled, or deeply at peace. What was present in those moments? Were you acting with courage? Connected to others? Creating something meaningful? Often, what mattered then still matters now.
3. Identify Core Values Through What Makes You Angry
Our anger often reveals where our values are being violated. In other words, anger can be a flashlight. It shines on what matters most.
- If dishonesty frustrates you, you may value integrity.
- If disorganization or lack of follow-through gets under your skin, responsibility may be high on your list.
- If you feel hurt by being overlooked, you might deeply value respect or connection.
4. Explore Your Core Values by Looking at Your Passions
What are you naturally drawn to? What excites you or energizes you, even in small ways? Maybe it’s writing, mentoring, organizing, designing, or advocating. Ask yourself why it lights you up. You might uncover a hidden value like creativity, influence, beauty, or justice.
5. Use Role Models to Reveal Your Core Values
Think of people you admire. What qualities do they live by? Is it honesty? Compassion? Strength? Often, the traits we’re drawn to in others reflect the values we hold quietly within ourselves.
6. Seek Feedback to Clarify Your Core Values
Ask someone close to you, your spouse, your adult child, or a trusted friend, what they think matters most to you. Sometimes others can see patterns we overlook. Their feedback can help confirm what you’ve already begun to notice.
7. Make Time for Reflection to Uncover Core Values
Core values can shift in order of importance over time, especially as you move into new seasons of life. Set aside space to reflect, whether through journaling, walking without distraction, praying, or simply being still. These quiet pauses help your inner voice become more clear.
What to Remember As You Discover Core Values
If you feel disconnected from yourself, you’re not alone and you’re not broken. Many of us reach a point where we realize we’ve spent years living by someone else’s values. Maybe those values worked for a time, but as you’ve journeyed through life, you realized they were never really yours. That realization can come as a shock and leave you wondering: where do I end and everyone else begin?
Rediscovering what you value isn’t self-centered. It’s necessary. It’s what allows you to show up fully, for yourself and for the people you love. It helps you live with peace and in integrity. It gives you the ability to make decisions that align your inner world with your outer one. And to build a life that reflects not just what you were told to care about, but what you honestly do.
You don’t have to figure it all out at once. Just naming one thing that matters to you is a start.
Leave a Reply