We hear a lot about self-love. We’re rightly told it’s important to love ourselves well. But what does this actually mean? In this post, we’ll explore self-love and discover why our self-care practices don’t always bring us the results we want or need and what we can do to build authentic self-love.
Honestly, the concept of self-love made me uncomfortable for a long time. Growing up, I was taught our purpose here on earth is to love others more than ourselves. And that self-denial and dying to self is the Christian way.
But as I journeyed through life, I realized there are two common misconceptions which exist on opposite ends of a self-love, “self-is unimportant” spectrum. After several years of motherhood, and a childhood steeped in the teaching of ‘dying to self’, I ended up so far on the “self is unimportant” end that I almost fell off. In my search for a balance, I learned a lot which I hope can help other woman who struggle with confusion around self-love.
Exploring the Confusion Between Self-Care and Self-Love
Too often, self-love and self-care get jumbled together when talking about the need to love ourselves. They’re discussed as if they’re the same thing. This produces confusion and can make a woman wonder: if I’m doing the “right” things loving myself, why do I still feel so empty? Burned out? Stressed? Detached? Lonely? Unlovable? Unlovely? Like a failure?
When the way to self-love gets confused with activities of self-care (but marketed as self-love) you may live a more exciting, albeit probably more expensive life but once the newness or excitement fades, you feel the same as you did before.
So we find a new activity or new “way” to love ourself and the pattern starts all over again. No amount of self-care produces self-love. I’ll say it again in case you skimmed right over it. No amount of self-care will produce self-love. Why?
Because loving yourself is a result gained. It’s not an activity. Self-care certainly plays a role in loving ourselves, but “enough” self-care won’t eventually produce self-love. Where does self-love come from then?
Unveiling the True Source of Authentic Self-Love
Self-love comes from knowing yourself well and leading yourself effectively. In order to love yourself, you’ve got to know who you are. What you value, regardless of whether any outside source says those things are the “right” things to value.
All of us live out of what we value most, otherwise known as our core values. Our core values are integral to our sense of self and deeply influence our decisions and actions. In order to know oneself, one must spend time in self-reflection and self-honesty. This includes identifying and understanding our core values—those unique principles that guide our lives. Reflecting on these values helps us align our lives to what truly matters to us.
Self-reflection and self-honesty help us stop running from anything we discover about ourselves we don’t like or wish wasn’t true. It’s easy to run from things we don’t like. Our world is full of distractions and entertainments designed to keep us focused on those things.
It’s actually much harder to shut out those distractions, to say no to all of our entertainment or “busy” choices. To be quiet long enough to let the stillness in; allow it to settle into our inward parts and probe. To discover, then find out more about those things we don’t enjoy regarding ourselves. And to nurture those things we do, so we can become healthier and stronger woman.
As we become more honest with ourselves, we can lead ourselves into better, healthier, increasingly authentic ways of being and living. The more you know and understand yourself, the more self-honesty you practice, the more you face those hard places inside yourself, or tackle those things you’d love to run away from but don’t, the more resilience you build. The more resilience you build, the stronger you get. The stronger you get, the more you love that about yourself. Knowing our core values is a critical part of this process as well. When we understand what we truly value, we can make choices that resonate with our authentic selves, which fosters deeper self-love.
Building Self-Love Through Self-Knowledge
Loving yourself, just like loving someone you’ve fallen in love with, results from knowing. Think back to your “falling in love” experience. You just knew this was your one true love! The emotional high – euphoria!
The bliss of feeling seen, chosen, cherished; one half of a beautiful whole. The bright hope of a future with your lover… But then, as you spent time with him, experienced life with him, watched him interact with people you care about and got to know him on deeper and deeper levels; you realized there is more to him than you knew!
When your relationship got tested and your lover revealed himself in the areas that mattered, you discovered one of two things. You discovered you were right! He was everything you thought and more. You love him for who you know him to be and also because his conduct and who you knew him to be are in sync. Or, the more you got to know him, the less enamored you became with him. The deeper knowing of him revealed things you didn’t care for.
Knowing ourselves works like this too. When we give ourselves time to reflect on and examine ourselves with honesty, we learn much about ourselves. We’re actually “hard-wired” to know when we’re deceiving ourselves. We know when we haven’t lived up to our capabilities or potential. Not just in doing, but also in ‘being’. And we know when we’re not showing up for ourselves to that ability.
An Enemy Of Genuine Self-Love
That said, our culture is loud. It’s very loud! And from a young age, we’re conditioned to allow it a dominant role in our psyche. All its noise too often drowns out that “hard-wired” inner knowing we have. This is especially true when we’ve allowed it constant access to ourselves.
The TV always on. Constant “news” cycles blaring in our space. Social media and movies, or a continual parade of one TV series after another. Even constant music ringing in our ears. All this noise is deafening and deadening to that quiet part of us which makes up our inner self. The place where self-love grows and flows from.
To complicate things more, when you’re a mother, this noise doesn’t even factor in the constant of children and the noise and busyness that comes with raising a family.
When we are constantly open to all these stimuli, a couple of things happen. One, it becomes increasingly difficult to discern our authentic self from the outside opinions and voices that we mistakenly internalize as our own.
And two, there is no room for us to nurture and develop our essential inner selves, from which our authenticity and individuality stem. This process of tuning in to our inner voice is essential for loving ourselves, as it reveals valuable insights into who we are and what we actually need.
The Ineffectiveness of Self-Care
It’s no wonder we feel unsuccessful in our attempts to change how we’re feeling through the practice of self-care. Even though we try—then try some more — we can’t figure out why we don’t feel any better.
So, we practice more self-care, equating it with self-love. We treat ourselves. Kick people out of our lives who are “holding us back”. Get divorced. Start over. Find a different job; one where we’re appreciated for who we are. Take another vacation. Declutter. Reorganize. We DO things. Yet, still we feel empty. Burned out. Stressed. Detached. Lonely. Unlovable. Unlovely. Like we’re failing. This emotional struggle can even manifest physically in chronic health issues such as headaches, insomnia, stomach issues, fatigue and tension.
Sustainable Self-Love
The relationship we have with ourselves is our most important relationship. It’s impossible to give something we don’t have. We can’t give ourselves love if we don’t have love for ourselves. Knowing yourself well and leading yourself effectively will produce a self-love built on a solid foundation. One that won’t disappear when your circumstances or situations change.
It’s not dependent on how much “me time” you’re able to fit into your busy schedule and it isn’t necessary to have any money to attain it. Self-love, built on the foundation of knowing yourself well and leading yourself effectively, won’t crumble when life’s challenges threaten to overwhelm.
You won’t have to wait until the dust settles and you can catch your breath or your bearings. You won’t have to first check in with the “noise” around you to see if you’re doing it right. Or if you made the right decision or choice in order to feel better.
You’ll know what you need, or know how to figure out what you need, and you’ll be able to lead yourself into meeting your needs – with confidence. Because you’ve discovered your authentic self and are leading yourself into an emotionally, mentally, spiritually, and physically healthier way of being and living. One that is ever more aligned to your core values, based on actual knowledge of what your core values are, rather than assumptions, assimilations or direct “commands” from the great “noise” around you.
Are you wondering if this is possible for you? It’s certainly not an overnight process, but it is a fulfilling one that’s possible for everybody. I’ve written another post where I discuss in greater detail why knowing and leading yourself well results in genuine self-love.
I’ll end this post, though, with three actionable steps you can take today that will help you build on your self-love vs. self-care discovery.
Three Actionable Steps to Deepen Self-Love
1. Evaluate Your Noise Levels
Are you someone who never experiences quiet? Is your phone always open? Is your TV always going? Is social media always talking to you? Is your music always playing? Are these things all going at once, most of the time in your life? If so, don’t go cold turkey and shut it all off. That’s a recipe for failure.
Pick one and shut it down or turn it off for a set amount of time. It may be easier to choose the same time every day to practice quiet. Try turning one “noise” off for dinner and eating without it. Or maybe chose the hour before bedtime and start by eliminating one “noise” for that one hour. Slowly add more time and introduce less “noise” as you grow more accustomed to quiet. Adjust these “noise” levels and practices to fit your needs based on your personal evaluation of the “noise” level in your life.
Cutting down this noise isn’t about creating quiet; it’s about giving your mind a break from the overload that often leads to stress and disconnection from what’s really important. With less sensory intrusion, it’s easier to focus on things that matter; like being truly present or handling emotions better.
2. Embrace Quiet Reflection
Reflection during quiet isn’t about learning to enjoy the silence; although I think that’s something all of us could benefit from. Rather, it’s an opportunity to open a dialogue with our ourselves, looking into our feelings and aspirations and understanding the ‘why’ behind the things we do. This is so helpful when we’re learning to know ourselves on deeper levels. This introspection helps us peel back our layers, shedding light on recurring patterns in our lives. As we reflect, it clears up our mental clutter.
Understanding ourselves helps build our resilience to handle life’s ups and downs, making us stronger and more prepared for whatever comes our way. Try using some newly created quiet to ask yourself- how am I feeling? What has been the biggest thing on my mind today? Why? What gave me joy today? I encourage you to write your answers down.
If you don’t like to write, I recommend the DayOne Journal. It’s a fantastic way to get into journaling and would be a great way to document a “Know Yourself, Lead Yourself, Love Yourself” journey.
3. Explore and Prioritize Your Core Values
Understanding and living by our core values is about constructing lives that resonate with the deepest parts of ourselves, creating harmony between who we are and how we navigate the world. When what we do in our day matches with our authentic values, we experience peace and satisfaction.
This harmony between our authentic values and our actions reduces our stress and inner turmoil. It also builds our confidence because our choices become a reflection of who we are, which makes us feel better about ourselves and helps us make decisions more confidently. Understanding our authentic core values is a crucial component of genuine self-love.
Again, I recommend the DayOne Journal to help you do this little exercise, if writing with a pen on paper isn’t your thing. Ask yourself, what do I value more than anything else? Journal your answer and ask yourself if you’re satisfied with holding that value so highly?
Or, if it’s easier, organize these 8 core values in order of importance to you.
- Integrity: Upholding honesty and strong moral principles in all actions.
- Respect: Valuing others, recognizing their worth, and treating them with dignity and consideration.
- Compassion: Showing empathy and kindness towards others, offering support and understanding in their times of need.
- Responsibility: Taking accountability for one’s actions and commitments, being dependable.
- Courage: Demonstrating bravery and strength in facing difficulties, challenges, and adversity without fear.
- Justice: Seeking fairness in all dealings, standing up for what is right, and ensuring equality and impartiality.
- Perseverance: Showing persistence and tenacity in pursuing goals despite obstacles or setbacks.
- Emotional Connection: Love characterized by powerful feelings of affection and attachment that go beyond surface interactions, fostering a sense of closeness and bonding.
If reading this list of core values gives you anxiety, because you just don’t know which you value more, that’s okay. Sometimes life disconnects us so much from ourselves we just don’t know. Be kind to yourself. Pick one. And be okay with where you are today. Now you have a place to start. Push off from here.
If you want to learn more about core values, why it’s important to know what yours are and the impact they have in life, I’ve written another blog post I hope you find helpful.
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